Spiralizers are Spinners from Hell.

I bought the damn thing 8 months ago thinking it would change my life. All it actually did was sit in its box taking up space in the cupboard because I was afraid to use it. Afraid of what its potential was in my kitchen. Afraid I’d probably slice a finger open.

Yesterday I opened it…cleaned all the parts…didn’t lose a digit. I thought I’d start slow with a head of red cabbage hoping to plump up a coleslaw salad. The pictures on the box showed beautiful shreds of vegetable in a nice rounded pile.

Spin one: Juice squeezes everywhere. Red cabbage kicks out a purple liquid that stains your fingertips and squirts everywhere. Paper towel wad #1 takes action. No beautiful shreds yet.

Spin two: The top layer of the red cabbage goes flying off the handle and hits the floor. Paper towel wad #2. Swearing fit #1. No beautiful shreds.

Spin three: Thinking I need to power through this flying and squirting, I get after it. I now have the five outer-most layers of red cabbage on the floor and spread across the counter. Juice drops are now on the stack of bills, my phone, my shirt, and dripping down my hands. Paper towel wad grows in size. Swearing profusely commences. No beautiful shreds. In addition to what’s now on my floor and counter, I have a pulpy watery mess hanging lifelessly from the back of the spiralizer. It’s not going in the salad. I don’t want others to know we had this little trip to hell and back.

**Side note: this is not a cooking blog. Not sure if you got there without me mentioning this.**